i have come to drag you out of yourself, and take you in my heart. i have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.

~ rumi

pathways

Understand, I’ll slip quietly
away from the noisy crowd
when I see the pale
stars rising, blooming over the oaks.

I’ll pursue solitary pathways
through the pale twilit meadows,
with only this one dream:
You come too.

~ rainer maria rilke

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example: ‘The night is fractured and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance’ The night wind turns in the sky and sings. I can write the saddest lines tonight. I loved her, sometimes she loved me too. On nights like these I held her in my arms. I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes. I can write the saddest lines tonight. To think I don’t have her, to feel I have lost her. Hear the vast night, vaster without her. Lines fall on the soul like dew on the grass. What does it matter that I couldn’t keep her. The night is fractured and she is not with me. That is all. Someone sings far off. Far off, my soul is not content to have lost her. As though to reach her, my sight looks for her. My heart looks for her: she is not with me The same night whitens, in the same branches. We, from that time, we are not the same. I don’t love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her. Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses. Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes. I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her. Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long. Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms, my soul is not content to have lost her. Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer, and these are the last lines I will write for her. ~ pablo neruda, from twenty poems of love

"love is brief: forgetting lasts so long."

how true could this line be.
faces burn bright in my mind. too bright, they burn through my soul to my dreams.
i am seldom denied of what i wish for. and sometimes i forget that. 
now i try to be very careful about it. hahahhah.
but there are times i wish i could show you what i see. so you would understand.
i wonder if i already got that wish.
i saw you for who you are. for who you could be. but that was a long time ago.
and the last time i saw you, i saw somebody else.
you hide so much. burdens you inflict upon yourself.
you were spinning, vibrating with this urgency.
and wanting lots of things at the same time.
and like you wanted to be in different places at the same time.or do multiple things. trying to finish them off in one sitting.
you do these things. lots of things.
and at the end of the day, after all that you have achieved.
you still feel empty. dissatisfied.
if i could, i would have sedated you.
but i am not free to do as i wish. i am not a healer.
i wish i can soothe you like that first time i was with you. lull you to sleep...
but i don't think i am allowed to do that anymore.may you finally find that which you always seek. and may it bring you peace and happiness.
wherever you are. whoever you are with.
love, for now and always...

caesura

everything is trailed with these ellipses
and i'd get so sucked up
and i try so hard to understand
then failing, i try to walk away
they're all connected somewhere
and it's not clear where exactly
and it makes me feel all the more stupid
there's a sense of discontinuity somehow
but they go on and on and on and on
and it's all so useless and tiring
me, trying so hard to understand
what i can never comprehend
they weave and unweave
too fast and too smooth to follow
where they end and meet don't show

ballroom dancing in your sky

swing swing
would you rather be out there or here?
hold on
i can not do that for you
where are you going?
i patented this dance so
this way to my arms please
twirl twirl
your pills can't help you now
might as well give in to the swoon
these fingertips can't touch you
unless you want them to
but you came
and you want
feels like it would go on and on and on doesn't it?
look down look for your feet
look look
you can't smell them anymore
and you will never step on me again
pass the salt please
you have to stay awake
dash dash
can you feel the tingle in your gash?
how does it feel now
to be so beautiful and broken
to be so reduced and concentrated
to have gotten rid of the bloat
shrink shrink
my poor beautiful chiffon cake
you never should have risen
you could have done me a favor
you should have been sanforized a long time ago
how does it feel
to want and not have
to seek and not find
to tire and not rest
to feel and only feel
how does it feel?
push pull
should i pull a nose hair to make those big beautiful empty eyes get misty somehow?
blink blink
how do you feel?
no don't close your eyes
it will only amplify the emptiness
open them up and let me see through
or you'll miss the next thing i'm gonna do
close open
what is there to be wary about
it's only a dance
and it had just began my beautiful one

ni haw china boy
my fantastik buknoy
always looking pained and rigid everytime
you flash your constipatory smile
and you became that snag
that gave spice to the drag
that tight skin over your cheeks
and the stubbles under your lip
never fail to mesmerize me
or the friends that hound me
how heavy really is that self esteem of yours
that you can achieve such impossible concavity
your wrestler girlfriend crooks a finger
and the rest of your friends whimper
such deference and compassion and care
and whimpering faces eloquent of fear
you must really be so intrigued about simian origins
that you could conjure such savage taste for women

i still get partially stunned
my momentary catatonia
the crowd didn't part this time
it's not like everything else blurred
it's just that i heard lisa loeb
everybody seems to like you
but i'm glad
i said i still would want to see you
and that i would find you
but i didn't
and it's still sure nice to have seen you
that i could
i wouldn't spoil the spontaniety
and there goes your rabbit eyes
with dark circles around them now
and we had to leave
i wanted to find you again
if only to stare for a while

AA (arsonists anonymous)

the blaze brightening our faces the last time i was there. and i remember the briefest conversation we had. the fire was on its brightest. yeah. i remember the heat. and the shimmer of the thin sheen on your brows. you had turned to me and asked, "you're not gonna burn my house, are you?" and i just smiled back. then we watched the fire consume everything again. i always like leaning on the side of your car while watching. and then when everything burned out and the air had cooled you turned to me again. "well, are you?" i was staring at the last glints of ember. no more spark. no more heat. no more light. just the smoking rubble. burnt. black. cold. "that is the last thing i'm gonna do." i said quietly as i continued to watch the last of the embers die away. then there was only the dark. the ringing silence after the crackles. the sky above glinting. the stars were all there that night. but it was so dark. they were always not enough when the moon was out.

one hit wonderboy

chuck and his all stars
cherry maroon fuschia burgundy
violet lavender purple plum
poster paint dinos say extinct is forever
parted curtains of long limp damp hair
startled rabbit eyes peering through
mom's got all the gummies and jawbreakers
eisenhower for red hot chilli peppers
hovering waiting near the lobby
for the bell and the librarian
perpendicular halls become you
and your dog-named friend follows
i contemplate on collisions and hunger
and you appear before my very fries
a day of unlimited melodious stalking
turned the table and paranoia on me
long and winding stares casted
i itch to strangle alexander graham bell
with telephone wires masked in mock anger
i learned of your mommy and chicken coops
your interest in soap operas and my name
there's always the not knowing
romeo + juliet isolated and quarantined
i became a sucker for tragedies
you became barbie who likes flowers
and wouldn't go in and eat his meat rolls
i know about the marathon to the slope
but not later of the spartan helmet
aiming high i pined for your crooked teeth
these consume me
wanting what could never be had
as the shifting clouds in the sky
and the shadows in the night are ambiguous
i chase what haunts and fleets
in the labyrinthine inconsistensies of time
hoping for synchronicity and crossroads
i found you barefoot in the summer
i sucked up a finger to offer the wind
all four came and never you

deus ex machina

you frustrate me the wrong way
and you frustrate me all the way
where have all the sense gone to
how did you find everything out
how was i when i was sane
how was i to know i was
you judge me and you judge not
your fingers got tangled
here between my thoughts
between the line that
oh so delicately separate us
stand me up behind your thoughts
i don't have the strength
to fight for myself
hold up my hand for me
i wanna touch your face
where are my eyes when i want to see
where am i when i had wanted to be
what is a brain but a mush
when goosebumps are only scalpdeep
what makes sense when i don't want to
what are knees solely for
if not to kneel
what are skies for
if not to look up to
and the sun but to blind
and to blur everything after
in that white hot light at the center
and the center is me not you

me and who

i turned my eyes away
towards the flies
that went with the time
thinking back about things
and narrowing claustrophobically
to the little time we spent

you and me
and me and you
that was all i had
now there's you and me
and me
and you and her
remember when you said
we could die
just holding hands
that was when i had ran away
i wish we had just died then

i miss your hand
and she doesn't
she might as well die holding it
i feel so lousy i wanna run away
and i want to hold your hand
but i can't now
i'd be holding hers if i try to

i turned away towards the sky
and thought of something else
your hand slapping her
her hand (being) amputated
and lots of other dirty hands
one rocking a cradle
tossing out the baby

it just isn't sane now
i miss you and you don't
i just have to keep turning away now
til i feel your hand in mine again