pathways

Understand, I’ll slip quietly
away from the noisy crowd
when I see the pale
stars rising, blooming over the oaks.

I’ll pursue solitary pathways
through the pale twilit meadows,
with only this one dream:
You come too.

~ rainer maria rilke

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example: ‘The night is fractured and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance’ The night wind turns in the sky and sings. I can write the saddest lines tonight. I loved her, sometimes she loved me too. On nights like these I held her in my arms. I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes. I can write the saddest lines tonight. To think I don’t have her, to feel I have lost her. Hear the vast night, vaster without her. Lines fall on the soul like dew on the grass. What does it matter that I couldn’t keep her. The night is fractured and she is not with me. That is all. Someone sings far off. Far off, my soul is not content to have lost her. As though to reach her, my sight looks for her. My heart looks for her: she is not with me The same night whitens, in the same branches. We, from that time, we are not the same. I don’t love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her. Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses. Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes. I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her. Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long. Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms, my soul is not content to have lost her. Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer, and these are the last lines I will write for her. ~ pablo neruda, from twenty poems of love

"love is brief: forgetting lasts so long."

how true could this line be.
faces burn bright in my mind. too bright, they burn through my soul to my dreams.
i am seldom denied of what i wish for. and sometimes i forget that. 
now i try to be very careful about it. hahahhah.
but there are times i wish i could show you what i see. so you would understand.
i wonder if i already got that wish.
i saw you for who you are. for who you could be. but that was a long time ago.
and the last time i saw you, i saw somebody else.
you hide so much. burdens you inflict upon yourself.
you were spinning, vibrating with this urgency.
and wanting lots of things at the same time.
and like you wanted to be in different places at the same time.or do multiple things. trying to finish them off in one sitting.
you do these things. lots of things.
and at the end of the day, after all that you have achieved.
you still feel empty. dissatisfied.
if i could, i would have sedated you.
but i am not free to do as i wish. i am not a healer.
i wish i can soothe you like that first time i was with you. lull you to sleep...
but i don't think i am allowed to do that anymore.may you finally find that which you always seek. and may it bring you peace and happiness.
wherever you are. whoever you are with.
love, for now and always...

caesura

everything is trailed with these ellipses
and i'd get so sucked up
and i try so hard to understand
then failing, i try to walk away
they're all connected somewhere
and it's not clear where exactly
and it makes me feel all the more stupid
there's a sense of discontinuity somehow
but they go on and on and on and on
and it's all so useless and tiring
me, trying so hard to understand
what i can never comprehend
they weave and unweave
too fast and too smooth to follow
where they end and meet don't show